I Am Married To Doug Heffernan
If you have never watched an episode of ” King of Queens” than this will not be one bit funny to you. (So go ahead and Hulu any one of the old shows and then return to this posting…We’ll wait.)
Doug Heffernan (played by actor/comedian Kevin James) is Jim’s “TV twin”. Not only do they look alike, they act alike. Doug is always getting himself into a jam, much to the dismay and embarrassment of his very critical, cynical and smart-mouthed wife, Carrie (hey…wait a minute! I may just have found my TV twin!) They both have a love for food, baseball and have a lack of attention to detail. I have so many stories that prove their similarities, but I’ll share only one today.
In one episode, Doug and Carrie are going to stay at Doug’s parents house. Doug can’t wait to see his beloved dog, who, much to Carrie’s surprise, has been around since Doug was 7 (he’s now 38). Carrie, convinced that there is no way a dog could be that old confronts her in-laws. They admit that because Doug loved the dog so much, they couldn’t stand to tell him when the original one died 14 years ago. So, they got a replacement (it was a Golden Retriever). And when that one died, they got another. They were on the 4th dog at this point and Doug had never figured it out. Which leads me to ask…did you ever hear about the time Jim stole a dog?
Jim was holding an open house for a client who had a beautiful dog (coincidentally, a Golden Retriever) named Chuck. It was a beautiful summer day, the owner had left Chuck out on a leash in the shaded back yard for the open. A ton of people had come to see the house and Jim was busy handling all the questions and showing the property. Our oldest daughter, Maya was along and helping him as much as possible. Toward the end of the open, two women came in and were telling Jim how they had been out walking though the yard and how beautifully the back was landscaped. Jim says, ”I hope you didn’t like the dog too much, because he isn’t included in the house price. Ha-Ha!” They looked at each other with confusion and one said “there wasn’t a dog in the backyard.” A little concerned, Jim called for Maya to head out and check on Chuck. As he was closing up and turning off the lights, Maya ran back in and said, ”Dad, Chuck is gone! His leash is there, but Chuck’s gone!”
Jim runs out and sure enough, the dog was no where to be found. At this point, Jim begins to sweat profusely, (because that’s what Jim does), and is stressed at the thought that he’s lost his client’s beloved dog. He quickly goes into the house to get some dog treats. Running, Jim and Maya take off into the neighborhood calling ”Chuck!” in every direction. A couple of blocks away, Jim spots Chuck laying, sunning himself in a neighbor’s back yard. Both Maya and Jim run up the street yelling “Chuck!”. Maya is almost in tears and Jim is frantically waving the dog treat. The dog looks up and happily comes running to the edge of the yard and stops, looking longingly at the dog treat. “Come here, Chuck!” Jim yells, annoyed that the dog doesn’t want to come into the street. Jim walks over and grabs Chuck by the collar and starts to walk him over the property’s edge and onto the street in the direction of his home. As soon as he crosses the property line, the dog takes off like a shot dragging Jim along. Maya is running, trying to catch up. “Chuck doesn’t seem very happy to be heading home”, Maya says to Jim as he continues to wrestle the dog to obey the direction he wants him to go. The dog finally calms down and Jim gets him back to the leash in his own yard. As he grabs the collar to hook him up, he notices that the dog’s id tag says “Duke”. Jim thinks nothing of this.
Now soaked in sweat, but happy with himself for avoiding a near catastrophe, Jim and Maya head off for home. About 15 minutes later, Jim’s cell phone rings and the caller id annouces that it is the client who’s house they had just left. Jim answers, and all he can hear on the other end of the phone is laughter. Finally, as the client gets a hold of himself, he says, ”Hey Jim, I’m out here in the yard with all my neighbors and we are having quite a laugh! I came home during the open house, and because you were so busy I didn’t want to bother you, so I decided to take Chuck for a walk. Next thing I know, I come home to find my neighbor’s dog, Duke chained up in my back yard, and his owner coming over to look for him. She said she watched some guy and a little girl take him from her backyard, drag him over their invisible fence and lead him down toward my house!” The laughter continued for several more minutes, and Jim swears there were about 10 voices in the background chiming in.
The client was ultimately impressed that Jim went to all that effort to find Chuck, and Jim will never ignore the tag name on a dog again.
And, in case you need further proof of the similarity, Jim has always wanted a Segway.
Yesterday marks the first time our entire family of four needed to be on allergy medication at the same time. I woke up Sunday morning with a puffy face and red eyes, sinus pressure and the start of a sore throat. Jim has been sneezing uncontrollably. Maya has had all of the above, which is unusual because she is usually our non-allergy girl. Remi, on the other hand is always having allergic reaction to the coming of spring, her’s involves red-rimmed eyes and terribly itchy skin. Funny thing is that this always has happened at the beginning of May. This year, spring came early and it came hard. Such interesting timing with the new ballpark and the arrival of opening day! I was so expecting snow for the opener. Go Twins!
